Zana International(Danielle) (danizana) wrote in boisfemmesinbed,
Zana International(Danielle)
danizana
boisfemmesinbed

I just had about enouph of everything, especialy Dana International, her fans, supporters, TS buddie

I just had about enouph of everything, especialy Dana International, her fans, supporters, TS buddies etc... and many other people.... The list of names would would flow down a frew pages if i listed the names...

Dana Interrnational aka Sharon Cohen, i dont think she even care i exist and I think of her almost everyday..., she never thanked me for the things i gave her in the past....i sent her stuff through the post through freinds/fans etc, i dont now for sure if she got it, but trusted my freinds words...but now
Who do i trust anymore?, when people say they would not leave me, do leave and say they get sick and tiered of me... and made a promise they leave... The leave me with no reason...
You know its not my fault I was born in on this rotten planet(Yes i am a mistake, i supposed to be an abortion), and i cant help that i am what i am, and I told them that when they made freinds with me...but still they follow a particular pattern, hell even the TS support in south africa sux and they dont help me.... not even you know come and visit and discuss with my parents which would at least make my life easier(never mind Oyako's promises, her's are exceptional since she was not in south africa, but these others are in south africa) and i can carry on living or have some sparkel just to have some reason to exist... no they dont... too far to travel(they say)... yet they come by once a while pass the little town i am in , without popping in to help me with that...on business galavanting...with the moral..."money is more fucking important than life or anyone else"... people with this attitude should suffer the way i suffer, realy i dont have time with people who have money on the fucking brain. They all can be nice and freindly at first... but drop you because money is more important to them, never the less they forget the skills you have, which can later in time be an asset and help get more of there beloved fucking money...

You know, i am going to stop working on my site, since i have better things to do, no one apreciates it(the one i had online 2 years ago), ... some say they want a new one... but the statistics are low... so sorry to those small minority who want a new site... tuff... i am not building it anymore,it just hurts and pains me...i got better things to do...
What about Dana International... well because she never apreciated me, or even gave me the chance to get to know her... hell all what memories she gives to me when i listen to her music now... is pain... because of the memories i get of freinds who were and are dana fans who just left me.... especialy 3 whome i got close to... hell they say they met Dana... and when they met Dana they left me... and said many bad things about Dana to me , maybe they right i dont know, but what hurts me... is that they left me, maybe Dana saw through them and thats why she gave them a hard time, i realy dont know... I love Dana yes, i do... but her music brings pain and tears to my heart now... it rips it appart, because of the linked memories associated with her songs... i just zipped them up loaded them on DVD and stuffed in a box...like the way you stuffed me in a corner... The Cds that one freind gave to me... the sight of them sitting on my table tears me appart, so put them in a box, in the cupboard, since they are a gift , they staying, its dishonour to give or throw a gift away... hell as i know i get very hurt when people throw or give away my gifts i gave them... so they dont need to worry about that... maybe in a few years time i take them out ... but i just get hurt when i see them..i go mad/crazy from pain inside.

besides freinds trotting away in the mist and never to return, and pain thats associated to Dana's music , i am hurting because i am one big ERROR, BIOLOGICAL MISFUNCTION ETC... even MENTAL DISFUNTION, FAIL TO LOAD FUCKING NORMALITY... you know i find it hard to be normal... to please all of you... with the hurt building and browing it gets harder... harder to comunicate, and harder to show love... worried that what i am about to do will cause the freindship train to derail...
Then its the constant battle, of hormones inside me... since i am not on proper hormones, the effects of the herbals grow weaker as the male organ gets stronger in its hormon production( typical male behaviour pattern) its like a war of women vs men happening inside my own body and mind... its torcher...
Then finding a job is a mission, as things change etc... not just body appearence for the worst slowly... but the polotics in in my country which because i have the wrong skin colour which should be black (BEE crap) ... i cant help it why must I suffer because some old farts gave the black skinned people a hard time before i was spawned(born) into this planet..
realy and being TS on top of the polotics... makes things alot worse...
I realy dont know what to do... well i dont know why i am I am even writing this shit..since more than 90% of the people dont even care about me..anyway...
i am writing this, well because i am hurting, and dont know how to express myself.. and no one ever listens to me or wants to hear me... its kind of like I am screaming and crying at the same time because i am hurting so much and i cannot take it anyomore... its like carring a huge rock like Oblix(asterix cartoon character) carries on his back... but because the load is so heavy, you hurt, and you to hurt to walk any futher, and your muscles cramp to much to put it down,,, and slowly you sink to the ground,knowing the wait of the rock will squash you as you get weaker, and you scream and you cry...even if no one listens... its like that.


This is the poem...I re-wrote...some of you maybe have read old one...who cares anyway...oh the other poem got me trouble with TGSA... i was just expressing my feelings etc... and get pushed further into a corner... well in this case, the ground in the corner.

They don’t know the real me
They never gave me a chance to blossom
But instead pushed me into the dirt
They have moulded me into a cold dark statue
That forever remains, and forever pains
Forever alone for ever to pain forever to bleed
They have made me unbreakable and cold
That stands alone in the dark corner of the world

The life inside me burns away
The hope inside me fades away
The hope for life and success fades away
Like the sun in the sky fading away
Like the life on earth fading away
They steal my life away
They steal my name away
They take my love and hope away

They drag me down on the cold wet floor
They push me in my dark corner
There thoughts pierce like steel in my head
Then sorrow disguised as anger flickers violently
Frustration consumes my mind
The reason of my existence is invalid, non-in void
I search frantically for peace of mind
In the middle of the constant struggle for hope
A torrent of tears rains through endless nights
Trying to wash away the pain

Life in the corner is in a constant blanket of darkness
Where I sit and stare with my wet black hair
At the world, at the people, with my dark eyes
Alone, wet and cold with the life in me dead
The endless rains of tears,
The continuous tearing and ripping of my heart
This side of me cannot be cured
Forever to be scorned, rejected and confined to isolation
Thrown away, used and abused and recycled
To repeat the painful process to infinity.

Forever I will remain in the dark corner
Forever I cry out, longing to be heard,
Longing for acceptance, longing for love
Nevertheless, there is little hope, temporary love and tight hearts, no avail
I only see darkness, hardness and lots of pain
In the portal of the corner is a doorway to a darker world
A world where death becomes your only best friend

What would happen, when I cut deeper into the arms
That the red stuff flows like the red sea
Will I be free, free from the never-ending pain?
Will I fly above the clouds? Will I walk through walls?
Will I be able to travel the world without transport?
Will I still always be forever alone?
Will the pain be forever gone?
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