My new FTM YOUTUBE Channel!


im ryan, and im ftm! yah

i just wanted to post about my new youtube channel, where im trying to set up a place for people to talk about ftm everyday issues. Ive set up a few videos already and am open to ideas to make new videos. one of the more important reasons for doing this was because i felt that the lgbt community has a way of excluding queer people of color, and being hispanic myself, i identify with this feeling. i havent seen much out there based on these issues and thought maybe this could be a place for some of that to be spoken about.

well heres the channel check it out!

hey straight ftm guys or bois

 hey straight ftm guys
hey guys. im totally new to this live journal stuff but looking for some ftm guys who have girlfriends or just straight ftm guys who like girls so I can talk to someone that I really realate too. this is not in any way meant to exclude gay or queer identified ftms!!! Just need to meet some peeps in our boat! thanks guys! you all look hot! xoxo  


Hello everyone,

I used to have a livejournal but deleted it due to the 6 apart stuff but started one here specifically dealing with my unusual relationship dynamic.  It was the only place that had a community supporting friends and family of a transgendered person.

A little over a month ago, some changes that had been taking place over the course of years were suddenly thrust into overdrive and now I find myself in a relationship that no longer fits any standard mold.

Over the last... oh 15 years or so, I have been dating men but way more attracted to women.  For reasons I don't feel I need to go into, I was terrified of this part of myself and compromised who I was in order to blend in... the path of least resistance I suppose.  In the meantime, I was dating a man who also knew that he was the last man I'd ever date.  I even started ID'ing as gay even though he and I were together.  Some people have been open-minded about it and others not so much.

He began exhibiting behavior that had me scared that he was really gay but denying it.  It was almost like he was living a secret life outside of our relationship but one that was all online.  I finally confronted him and he admitted that he felt he was transgendered and was considering transitioning.  While I was shocked, I wasn't, if that makes any sense.  The parts of him I was attracted to were his typically female traits.  It was actually kind of validating for me in my own orientation.

Then I went to an all women's retreat.  I picked up an online friend from the airport, whom I had known maybe a year and a half.  She is gay and I knew that from the first time we met.  She wanted to go somewhere and when her original travel plans fell through she asked if she could come see me.  I didn't think much of it but over that weekend... wow.

Pandora's box was opened and there was no going back.  She and I instantly bonded and we hated being torn apart when it was time for her to go back home.  She cried the whole way home.  I was sullen and withdrawn when I went back home.  I loved my time with her.  It felt right and comfortable.  I talked to my bf about it and told him what happened.  I told him it made me wish I was poly because even though he's a man, I'm in love with his soul.  He agreed to a poly relationship and so did she, even though she'd never done it before.  Also they were both already friends because he met her through our online game too.

So over the next 3 weeks she and I kept up an exhaustingly intense relationship that was all online, on the phone and through text messages.  It was every moment we were awake that we were communicating.  I flew one way to where she was and we both drove back to my state and she's now living with us.

In that time, I have told my wonderful bf that while I'm in love with his soul, I cannot have sex with him anymore.  It was like something happened to me that weekend and I could no longer make myself.  I was on the edge of it already but that finalized it.  It has been difficult but neither of us want to be apart so we are redefining our relationship.  He can date others now.  We all three want to stay together and so far, for the most part, it has been peaceful and harmonious.  I am soooooo happy to be in this relationship.  It scares me how much I love her.  I can't believe I didn't do this a long time ago, but then I would have only met her had everything played out the way it did, in my life, so I have no regrets.

This journal is only about our relationship.  I'm not going to debate its validity or its worth.  I know there's a snowball's chance in hell that it will work out long term, but the thought of losing either of them feels like one of my limbs would be torn from me.  So if you want to friend me you can.  All my posts will be public, since I am choosing not to post pics or real life names.

Thanks for your time.

(no subject)

Hope the new year is finding everyone in good health and good spirits.

My new year has come ringing in with a new mission. I am putting together a 2 day workshop/dialogue on sexuality for UVM students. I am endeavoring to define sexuality as broadly as possible and bring in as many identities and ideas on the subject as possible. As one can imagine, making sure that those who attend the workshop come from lots of sexual backgrounds is impossible, so I’m hoping to bring other identities into the room through the use of narrative.

That’s where you come in =)

If you’re comfortable, I would love for you, your friends, anybody off the street to write a 6-8 sentence narrative about your sexuality. This can include but is certainly not limited to your sexual orientation, what type of relationships you have, or even what you do in bed (but please keep in mind these will be read aloud by one of my students in my classroom… please don’t make them blush too badly). Anything that you feel describes your sexuality is welcome. Please send submissions to my email either in text or an attached word document. My email address is

between me and you...

i am a very fortunate boi... i have a really good sex life.. not crazy or anything, but im very satisfied with it
i always get complimented on my... *ahem* oral abilities and finger play.. and when i actually do it, penetration (me using a strap on on my partner)

problem is.. i really have no idea how to have sex missionary style...

everything is great doggie position, or even with my and my partner on our sides, me lying behind her...
but soon as it gets to me on top, it all goes to hell...

luckily ive been able to hide the fact that i have no idea what im doing by having my partner place her legs on my shoulders, or just avoiding penetration all together which is no fun at all...

so ive done a little thinking and have come to the conclusion that the problem is

a. when on top i feel like i have less control, like i cant easily move in and out.. or that im not going in deep enough

b. i get overtaken with anxiety that she will figure out that i cant properly for lack of a better word fuck and it will be a bunch of drama behind it..

c. im not really sure of what im doing... its feel like its taking more energy than it should... like im putting in way too much effort

is missionary really this much work..?! i can go for hours in other positions... im not out of shape or anything... someone please tell me what im doing wrong..

hope i wasnt too vulgar.. any help would be great

i leave alaska to go home for the holidays and my "friends" have been saying great things about what they want to do when i get home.. ive spent 4 months in the wilderness, i need to relieve some tension.. and it would be great if i could go back with a couple of new tricks... ;)

(cross-posted a little)
  • Current Mood
    anxious anxious

(no subject)



On Friday November 24th at Manatee River State Park in Florida through the 26th

I got us the best rate possible cause very lil places had more then 2-3 sites available.....

I got a giant group area site it is listed under the last name of Edvin (andy edvin) and its the group site #2 listed as the Southeast Camp Group!!!!

I told them approx 20-30 I know there is at least 10 of you who want to go....and then you know another 2-3 people who may want to go.....SO LETS DO IT!!!

Everyone who is even 25% interested or if your even 100% sure you can make it PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reply w/ your name (full name if you feel comfortable doing so), amount of people you are bringing, if you can provide a ride to someone who may be on the way (given they help out w/ gas money as well) phone number (or just email that, email address, and if you are coming for friday saturday and sunday or just saturday and sunday.

If you have extra camping gear (tents, sleeping bags, laterns, etc.) please bring it so that those who may not have any dont have to go spend money on buyin it due to the time of year (ie. holidays) money gets tight. Or even if you have camping gear but are unable to attend and would be able to lend it for someone upon them bein able to pick it up.

At the end of S.R. 320 at the intersection of S.R. 320 and US19 in Chiefland Florida 32626
<The map didnt upload properly> 

So please get back asap so that there is an near exact amount able to be accounted for when I get there.

Its only $4 a night but we may/probably will be going canoe or tubing down the river so if you do have a tube or canoe/kayak and you want to bring feel free obvisouly. And anyone who may need help w/ a ride or financial dont be afraid to ask!


I just had about enouph of everything, especialy Dana International, her fans, supporters, TS buddie

I just had about enouph of everything, especialy Dana International, her fans, supporters, TS buddies etc... and many other people.... The list of names would would flow down a frew pages if i listed the names...

Dana Interrnational aka Sharon Cohen, i dont think she even care i exist and I think of her almost everyday..., she never thanked me for the things i gave her in the past....i sent her stuff through the post through freinds/fans etc, i dont now for sure if she got it, but trusted my freinds words...but now
Who do i trust anymore?, when people say they would not leave me, do leave and say they get sick and tiered of me... and made a promise they leave... The leave me with no reason...
You know its not my fault I was born in on this rotten planet(Yes i am a mistake, i supposed to be an abortion), and i cant help that i am what i am, and I told them that when they made freinds with me...but still they follow a particular pattern, hell even the TS support in south africa sux and they dont help me.... not even you know come and visit and discuss with my parents which would at least make my life easier(never mind Oyako's promises, her's are exceptional since she was not in south africa, but these others are in south africa) and i can carry on living or have some sparkel just to have some reason to exist... no they dont... too far to travel(they say)... yet they come by once a while pass the little town i am in , without popping in to help me with that...on business galavanting...with the moral..."money is more fucking important than life or anyone else"... people with this attitude should suffer the way i suffer, realy i dont have time with people who have money on the fucking brain. They all can be nice and freindly at first... but drop you because money is more important to them, never the less they forget the skills you have, which can later in time be an asset and help get more of there beloved fucking money...

You know, i am going to stop working on my site, since i have better things to do, no one apreciates it(the one i had online 2 years ago), ... some say they want a new one... but the statistics are low... so sorry to those small minority who want a new site... tuff... i am not building it anymore,it just hurts and pains me...i got better things to do...
What about Dana International... well because she never apreciated me, or even gave me the chance to get to know her... hell all what memories she gives to me when i listen to her music now... is pain... because of the memories i get of freinds who were and are dana fans who just left me.... especialy 3 whome i got close to... hell they say they met Dana... and when they met Dana they left me... and said many bad things about Dana to me , maybe they right i dont know, but what hurts me... is that they left me, maybe Dana saw through them and thats why she gave them a hard time, i realy dont know... I love Dana yes, i do... but her music brings pain and tears to my heart now... it rips it appart, because of the linked memories associated with her songs... i just zipped them up loaded them on DVD and stuffed in a the way you stuffed me in a corner... The Cds that one freind gave to me... the sight of them sitting on my table tears me appart, so put them in a box, in the cupboard, since they are a gift , they staying, its dishonour to give or throw a gift away... hell as i know i get very hurt when people throw or give away my gifts i gave them... so they dont need to worry about that... maybe in a few years time i take them out ... but i just get hurt when i see them..i go mad/crazy from pain inside.

besides freinds trotting away in the mist and never to return, and pain thats associated to Dana's music , i am hurting because i am one big ERROR, BIOLOGICAL MISFUNCTION ETC... even MENTAL DISFUNTION, FAIL TO LOAD FUCKING NORMALITY... you know i find it hard to be normal... to please all of you... with the hurt building and browing it gets harder... harder to comunicate, and harder to show love... worried that what i am about to do will cause the freindship train to derail...
Then its the constant battle, of hormones inside me... since i am not on proper hormones, the effects of the herbals grow weaker as the male organ gets stronger in its hormon production( typical male behaviour pattern) its like a war of women vs men happening inside my own body and mind... its torcher...
Then finding a job is a mission, as things change etc... not just body appearence for the worst slowly... but the polotics in in my country which because i have the wrong skin colour which should be black (BEE crap) ... i cant help it why must I suffer because some old farts gave the black skinned people a hard time before i was spawned(born) into this planet..
realy and being TS on top of the polotics... makes things alot worse...
I realy dont know what to do... well i dont know why i am I am even writing this shit..since more than 90% of the people dont even care about me..anyway...
i am writing this, well because i am hurting, and dont know how to express myself.. and no one ever listens to me or wants to hear me... its kind of like I am screaming and crying at the same time because i am hurting so much and i cannot take it anyomore... its like carring a huge rock like Oblix(asterix cartoon character) carries on his back... but because the load is so heavy, you hurt, and you to hurt to walk any futher, and your muscles cramp to much to put it down,,, and slowly you sink to the ground,knowing the wait of the rock will squash you as you get weaker, and you scream and you cry...even if no one listens... its like that.

This is the poem...I re-wrote...some of you maybe have read old one...who cares anyway...oh the other poem got me trouble with TGSA... i was just expressing my feelings etc... and get pushed further into a corner... well in this case, the ground in the corner.

They don’t know the real me
They never gave me a chance to blossom
But instead pushed me into the dirt
They have moulded me into a cold dark statue
That forever remains, and forever pains
Forever alone for ever to pain forever to bleed
They have made me unbreakable and cold
That stands alone in the dark corner of the world

The life inside me burns away
The hope inside me fades away
The hope for life and success fades away
Like the sun in the sky fading away
Like the life on earth fading away
They steal my life away
They steal my name away
They take my love and hope away

They drag me down on the cold wet floor
They push me in my dark corner
There thoughts pierce like steel in my head
Then sorrow disguised as anger flickers violently
Frustration consumes my mind
The reason of my existence is invalid, non-in void
I search frantically for peace of mind
In the middle of the constant struggle for hope
A torrent of tears rains through endless nights
Trying to wash away the pain

Life in the corner is in a constant blanket of darkness
Where I sit and stare with my wet black hair
At the world, at the people, with my dark eyes
Alone, wet and cold with the life in me dead
The endless rains of tears,
The continuous tearing and ripping of my heart
This side of me cannot be cured
Forever to be scorned, rejected and confined to isolation
Thrown away, used and abused and recycled
To repeat the painful process to infinity.

Forever I will remain in the dark corner
Forever I cry out, longing to be heard,
Longing for acceptance, longing for love
Nevertheless, there is little hope, temporary love and tight hearts, no avail
I only see darkness, hardness and lots of pain
In the portal of the corner is a doorway to a darker world
A world where death becomes your only best friend

What would happen, when I cut deeper into the arms
That the red stuff flows like the red sea
Will I be free, free from the never-ending pain?
Will I fly above the clouds? Will I walk through walls?
Will I be able to travel the world without transport?
Will I still always be forever alone?
Will the pain be forever gone?

(no subject)

For all those in the southeast....

I'll start off introducing name is Andy, I'm 18 will be 19 in less then 2 months, and I'm pre-op and pre-t transguy from the tampa bay area of florida.

A few groups have been discussing a campout for about a month away. Looking at weekend of November 17-19th in Central Florida area (ocala/gainseville area).

Everyone discrimanation allowed!!

Where exactly is still in the process of being decided....

So right now we just need to see who all would be interested in coming out?
Its a friday, saturday, and sunday....understandable that most work on fridays so if you can still make it saturday and/or sunday only if you cant show on friday. Great way to meet everyone and learn more about one another....

If your interested or have any input please comment and let me know so I can bring it back to the other groups!

X-posted by an ADHD guy named Andy!!!
ghost move

Calling Hillary Clinton for her support of Gay Marriages!

Call campaign targeting Hillary Clinton asking for her support of Gay Marriages!

This is a perfect way to explain why gay marriage is important to you and why you hope it is important to these politicians as well. If you're nervous about talking to a live person then just wait until after hours so that you can leave a message on her answering machine.

The telephone number to the her offices are:

Albany/Hudson Valley
Phone: (518) 431-0120

Buffalo/Western New York
Phone: (716) 854-9725

Long Island
Phone: (631) 249-2825

Syracuse/Central New York
Phone: (315) 448-0470

New York City
Phone: (212) 688-6262

I hope you will take a few minutes to explain to her your position and how you would like her support in giving gay marriages legal recognition.