v4vagina (v4vagina) wrote in boisfemmesinbed,


Hello everyone,

I used to have a livejournal but deleted it due to the 6 apart stuff but started one here specifically dealing with my unusual relationship dynamic.  It was the only place that had a community supporting friends and family of a transgendered person.

A little over a month ago, some changes that had been taking place over the course of years were suddenly thrust into overdrive and now I find myself in a relationship that no longer fits any standard mold.

Over the last... oh 15 years or so, I have been dating men but way more attracted to women.  For reasons I don't feel I need to go into, I was terrified of this part of myself and compromised who I was in order to blend in... the path of least resistance I suppose.  In the meantime, I was dating a man who also knew that he was the last man I'd ever date.  I even started ID'ing as gay even though he and I were together.  Some people have been open-minded about it and others not so much.

He began exhibiting behavior that had me scared that he was really gay but denying it.  It was almost like he was living a secret life outside of our relationship but one that was all online.  I finally confronted him and he admitted that he felt he was transgendered and was considering transitioning.  While I was shocked, I wasn't, if that makes any sense.  The parts of him I was attracted to were his typically female traits.  It was actually kind of validating for me in my own orientation.

Then I went to an all women's retreat.  I picked up an online friend from the airport, whom I had known maybe a year and a half.  She is gay and I knew that from the first time we met.  She wanted to go somewhere and when her original travel plans fell through she asked if she could come see me.  I didn't think much of it but over that weekend... wow.

Pandora's box was opened and there was no going back.  She and I instantly bonded and we hated being torn apart when it was time for her to go back home.  She cried the whole way home.  I was sullen and withdrawn when I went back home.  I loved my time with her.  It felt right and comfortable.  I talked to my bf about it and told him what happened.  I told him it made me wish I was poly because even though he's a man, I'm in love with his soul.  He agreed to a poly relationship and so did she, even though she'd never done it before.  Also they were both already friends because he met her through our online game too.

So over the next 3 weeks she and I kept up an exhaustingly intense relationship that was all online, on the phone and through text messages.  It was every moment we were awake that we were communicating.  I flew one way to where she was and we both drove back to my state and she's now living with us.

In that time, I have told my wonderful bf that while I'm in love with his soul, I cannot have sex with him anymore.  It was like something happened to me that weekend and I could no longer make myself.  I was on the edge of it already but that finalized it.  It has been difficult but neither of us want to be apart so we are redefining our relationship.  He can date others now.  We all three want to stay together and so far, for the most part, it has been peaceful and harmonious.  I am soooooo happy to be in this relationship.  It scares me how much I love her.  I can't believe I didn't do this a long time ago, but then I would have only met her had everything played out the way it did, in my life, so I have no regrets.

This journal is only about our relationship.  I'm not going to debate its validity or its worth.  I know there's a snowball's chance in hell that it will work out long term, but the thought of losing either of them feels like one of my limbs would be torn from me.  So if you want to friend me you can.  All my posts will be public, since I am choosing not to post pics or real life names.

Thanks for your time.
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